• Ayushi Kalia


Updated: Dec 7, 2020

The last few weeks slash months did not go very well for me. I can state that I received my share of bad luck of what this year brought with itself for everyone. If you have been following my previous posts, you will know that my life plans have always turned out to be a flop and life ends up taking its course. I have simply gotten used to “going with the flow”.

I also feel that I am not alone in the boat. No one’s life ever goes as they plan. Does it?

This post too, much like my life, is turning out to be quite unexpected. However, I have decided to not delete or edit this one and let it flow out of me. I feel this is how I have begun to release what collects inside me over time. This could be one of the reasons I have not been posting anything on the blog for quite some time. I have been busy collecting thoughts and organising them to make them a little presentable and understandable.

The last month brought with it two deaths of the people important to the people I love the most, a best friend to my brother, and a mother to my fiancé.

I have been looking at death very closely for many years now. These experiences have come and gone over time, leaving a never decreasing impact on my mind. A couple of times taking away people who were my emotional support system when I was a child, it now returned to successfully take away someone who would have been my emotional support post just this month. To some extent, it has been my grief of losing people. However, looking at someone you love, lose the person they love can add up to it, and make your heart way heavier. I have only started to accept a person’s death more quickly than I did some years ago. Seeing a change in how I now deal with things, I find myself more responsible, and hence, chose to do this research.

Dr. Robert Firestone states that we have failed to recognise the full significance of death on human behavior. Numerous research articles talk about the fear of death in humans and how it leaves an impact on their minds. Everyone deals with this concept differently. Some defensive reactions after dealing with the death of a loved one can result in a more inward and self-protective lifestyle, while some include a withdrawal from attaching to or loving other people in their lives. Hence, the unconscious death fear creates a destructive impact on people’s lives.

By Wix Media

As Healthline provides for ways to deal with someone’s death, it states that grieving without avoidance is a healthy way of dealing with it. Although I feel this cannot be taught by a book, but can only be learned by experience (which every person usually does in their lives), it is a scary thought that everyone has to become brave enough to accept as a fact. I also feel that the only fear that continues to remain within us to create the fear of death, is to not know where the person goes after they leave the visible world.

Several researchers have found repetitive answers to visions that people see and feel after they are said to “have returned” to life. A person badly hit in an accident, or someone in an operation theatre fighting for their life has claimed to see the same thing. A tunnel or sometimes a door that they enter. Beyond that, they always happen to see the same warm yellow light, brighter than the light they have ever seen, except their eyes don’t strain this time. The light takes them to the faces of their loved ones who had passed away before they did, not sure if in the form of angels, or the same people in another world. The pain they were in when they were in the human body, is said to have vanished.

Some scientists explain these visions as Near-death-experiences (NDEs), where the relaxing mechanism and the excitement mechanism in a body happen at the same time, therefore, resulting in such visions or hallucinations due to religious beliefs of heaven and hell. However, many atheists have been said to have the same experience at such times. No single explanation can be found to all these things and the secret to where a soul goes after death because of a simple fact – once gone, they do not return to tell you the story. Except of course, unless you believe in past life regression.

I have always liked to create my own belief if there is no scientific proof for something. For example, I like to believe that my mother-in-law is having tea with my father, on a table of feathers, in the clouds, looking down at me and smiling, as she gathers our families who are up there, celebrating my vivah with her son, as we proceed to gather the ones that are with us here. So, although the fog on our wedding night will be because it is January in the northern part of India, I would like to believe that the clouds will come down to bring both their souls and their presence will be with me on the day.

By Wix Media

Therefore, I am someone who knows that the people who die leave us to live the rest of our lives ourselves, I am also someone who believes that although they cannot support us anymore, they are still there watching us. They are in the shooting stars, they are above the clouds, they are in our dreams, and most of all, they are in our hearts. And no one can take this belief away from me.

Hence, I will take my time to mourn, I will remember the impact of their presence and deaths in my life, I will continue their legacies and do what they would have liked if they lived, and I will continue to speak about the good memories that they have left with me. I will continue to love them and miss them with all my heart, but also learn to live without them.


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